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Ron Jackson's Perspective
Ebony Voices
February 13, 2004
Valentine's Day...a
no-win for men |
Ebony Voices
Ron has begun submitting
articles & editorials for online publication at Ebony Voices.
We plan to make these documents available on Ron's website, since we
cannot link you to his material on their site. |
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The day starts the same way every year. “Ron, do you know what
day this is?”
Not being as stupid as I look, I feign ignorance and
reply with my best Vinnie Barbarino impression, “Whut?”
“You know,” she says, “you are not like other guys.
It’s another Valentine's Day with no card, no flowers, and no
candy.” Since she doesn’t clarify who the other guys are, I
take that as a compliment because she is with me and not them.
No candy. Therein lies the dilemma. For 364
days I hear how she would like to lose ten pounds. Yet, on
this most important day of the year, I have to hear how I failed to
buy expensive, calorie-laden chocolate candy. It’s a no-win
situation for men. If I buy her candy, it will end up in
wasteland if she doesn’t eat it, or on her waist-land if she does.
Geez, and men are accused of not listening.
Valentine’s Day is one of those weird dates on the
calendar like Sweetest Day and National Guilt Day that was probably
founded by some guy like Jesse Jackson right after getting caught
somewhere he shouldn’t have been. Come on. f banks and
the federal government operate on this day, it’s not really a
holiday. And how festive and sweet can a guy really be if he
doesn’t get the day off work to hang out with his buddies — and with
pay?
Don’t get me wrong. I like holidays. Real
holidays, though, like New Year’s Eve and the Fourth of July.
I believe I am just like “other” guys when it comes to holidays.
I like making unintelligible noises and consuming excessive amounts
of ingestion-causing foods. No one expects candy, cards, or
flowers on July 4th.
And why shouldn’t we send a little memento to one
another to commemorate the British butt kicking we did a couple
hundred years ago? But Valentine’s Day? Who was this
Saint Valentine and his alter ego, Cupid, anyway?
So, what’s a guy to do? I am not going to buy a
card written by someone else that says something I would not or
could not say. I am not going to buy flowers that will wither
away in a few days. And certainly, I am not going to buy a box
of chocolate candy only to be reminded of it the rest of the year
that the weight on her driver’s license doesn’t match the reading on
her digital scale.
Not to be outdone by those “other” guys, I do have a
plan. With the price of gasoline going through the roof, I
have the most perfect and practical Valentine gift in mind.
I’ll go to the hardware store and spend hours searching for the most
beautiful, bright red, five-gallon gasoline can. Then I will
fill it with premium unleaded gas (only the best for my gal) and
maybe write something on the outside of the can. Maybe
something “mushy” like, “Because you set my heart on fire.”
This can’t go wrong, guys. I will save her a trip
to the gas station. The can will serve as a card she won’t
throw away. And as I watch her pour gas into her car, I can
feel good about that bit of exercise doing her more good than a box
of chocolates.
Yes, she will ask, Do you know what day this is?”
I will answer, “Of course I do. It’s February 14th. I
could never forget this date. It’s my buddy, Greg’s birthday.”
Happy birthday Greg. Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone. |
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