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Ron Jackson's Perspective
The Sunday Journal -
Think
Kankakee, Illinois
July 13, 2003
In need of any kind
of direction |
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As vacation time
nears its peak, I feel obligated to explain why men don’t stop and
ask for directions. And why women can’t read maps.
Distance and directions are not the same everywhere in
America.
There are exact metric or standard measurements for
distance. In America we use the standard lengths of inch,
foot, yard, block and mile. Directions are north, south, east,
west, up, down, left, and right. It’s quite simple, actually.
Have you ever asked someone how far you were from a
certain destination and got an answer without being told just how
far in any measurement you understood?
For instance, in California distance is measured by
time. San Francisco is 44 miles from San Jose. However,
if you were to ask a resident of the Bay Area, you might get a
different measurement. Depending upon the time of day, San
Francisco to San Jose might be one hour. Another time of day,
say three o’clock in the morning, it may be 45 minutes. During
peak traffic periods it may be a two-hour ordeal.
Travel and vacation brochures will tell you it’s only
eight miles from Oakland to San Francisco via the Bay Bridge.
They don’t say it can take hours to cross the bridge, though.
You must wait until you get to California to have a native tell you
the truth.
Then there are the southern standards of measurement.
You have the, “It’s a stones throw" or "Oh, it’s just up a piece.”
If it is a considerable distance, you may be told, “It’s a good
haul.” I don’t know of any human with wings, but you may get
the, “Now as the crow flies, it ain’t so bad,” option.
What is even more challenging to travelers needing
distance information is needing directions, too. Never ask a
native for directions to anyplace he or she may know very well.
Left, right, north, south, east, west will not be included and a
compass is useless.
If you don’t know where Mr. Billy’s cow was hit by a
truck back in ’63, you will not know to turn right immediately after
that spot and just before the tracks where Miss Hubie’s first diner
sits. Of course, most unique places to see while on vacation
are around the corner from a landmark that used to be there.
As in, “You know where the old YMCA used to be?”
In the northeast, according to a Boston resident who is
a native Californian buddy of mine, you won’t find Worcester if you
ask a resident for help. They will help you get to Woostah,
though. Is it Concord you are looking for or is it Concorde,
Conkerd, or Conkahd?
Although your map may show freeway I-95, Boston locals
still call it Route 128 and give directions to a road that has no
entrance leading to Rte.128. While you are looking for a
freeway, they give directions to a highway.
Right here in my hometown, directions to somewhere are
always given as, "It's right next to some place."
If your personal or rental car is not equipped with a
Global Positioning System, you might be advised to vacation near
home.
The American vacation would make a great reality show
where real men don’t ask for directions and women can’t read maps. |
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