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Ron Jackson's Perspective
The Sunday Journal -
Think
Kankakee, Illinois
January 6, 2002
Automated
lie-detector a conspiracy |
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We are barely into the new
year and already have our first conspiracy.
Neatly disguised as a scientific discovery, researchers
at the famous Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn., report a new way to
detect when people are lying. Using a high-definition,
heat-sensing camera, scientists can spot increased blood flow to the
face when a person tells a lie.
So what's the conspiracy? While the report uses
the term people, this is just another attempt to harass men.
It has to be. We all know women don't lie.
The team of scientists that made this discovery
suggests this new technology could be a better tool for security at
places like airports, office complexes and high-profile events.
There was no mention of its usefulness in courtrooms.
High-profile events? Guys, that is just another keyword for
weddings.
The ramifications of this thing are huge. Instead
of the traditional, "John please turn and face your bride and say I
do," it will be, "John, please turn and face the high-definition,
heat-sensing device your best man is holding and say I do if you
promise to honor, obey, cherish and forsake all others."
It won't stop at the wedding either. Men will no
longer be able to brush off those trick questions. "Honey,
will you look and tell me if I look fat in this? Does she look
cuter than me? Did you really pay two month's gross wages for
this ring?"
Look for home models of this thing to appear on the
Home Shopping Network. Men will come home to find units
installed on their front doors. Keys will no longer be
required to gain entry to your house. You will have to look
into a camera and answer questions. Questions like, "Where
have you been Mr. Man? Who were you with? Was that
football game more important than me? Why didn't you call and
tell me you were going to be late? Did you forget today was
our anniversary?"
Small, portable, purse-size models will be popular too.
Women will be able to screen men at social events. Forget the
"May I buy you a drink?" pick up line. It will be, look into
this and answer a few questions big boy. "Are you married?
Are you really a nice guy? You really just want to talk?
And you are actually the CEO of IBM?"
Returning to places of employment after a couple days
off due to sickness won't be the same. Signs posted at time
clocks will read, "Before clocking in, look into the window and
answer this question: Other than being sick of this job, were
you really sick every day you called in? If you hear three
quick, consecutive dings, do not punch in. Turn around and go
home, you liar."
Growing up, boys were taught to look 'em in the eye.
Don't flinch. Don't let 'em see you sweat. Not anymore
guys. It's look away. Look down. Close your eyes.
At least for the time being, we still have that Fifth Amendment
thing.
One thing that always puzzled me is now starting to
make sense. There is a good reason some men wear sunglasses at
night, inside buildings. I apologize for all the times I
thought that was a silly thing to do. Those guys were way
ahead of their time.
One small ray of hope for men is that the researchers
report that the test missed one quarter of the liars. O.J.
Simpson was not listed as one of the test subjects. Catching
three out of four liars is still too many good men to sacrifice.
This technology could even cause men to question the
honesty of each other. "Come on buddy. Look into my
little window and tell me again how big was that fish."
I tell you. It's a conspiracy. |
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